Way back into Unconditional Love
We've heard songs about it, seen it in the movies, heard it talked about on Oprah by relationship experts, and read about it in thousands of self help books. But, what is unconditional love? We all want to feel loved. We think about it, hope for it, fantasize about it, go to great lengths to achieve it, and feel that our lives are incomplete without it. The lack of unconditional love is the cause of most of our anger and confusion. It is no exaggeration to say that our emotional need for unconditional love is just as great as our physical need for air and food.
It is especially unfortunate, then, that most of us have no idea what unconditional love really is, and we prove our ignorance with our horrifying divorce rate, the incidence of alcohol and drug addiction in our country, the violence in our schools, and our overflowing jails.
Our misconceptions of unconditional love began in early childhood, where we saw that when we did all the right things—when we were clean, quiet, obedient and otherwise “good”—people “loved” us. They smiled at us and spoke in gentle tones. But we also saw that when we were “bad,” all those signs of “love” instantly vanished. In short, we were taught by consistent experience that love was conditional, that we had to buy “love” from the people around us with our words and behavior.
So what’s wrong with conditional love? We see it everywhere we look, so what could be wrong with it? Imagine that every time you pay me fifty dollars, I tell you I love you. We could do that all day, but at the end of the day would you feel loved? No, because you’d know that I “loved” you only because you paid me. We simply can’t feel fulfilled by love we pay for. We can feel loved only when it is freely, unconditionally given to us. The instant we do anything at all to win the approval or respect of other people—with what we say, what we do, how we look—we are paying for the attention and affection we receive, and we can’t feel genuinely loved.
For the most part humanity understands little of what the word ‘unconditional,’ means. Unconditional means… "NO CONDITIONS." This lack of understanding is what has divided man from man and religion from religion throughout his sojourn in the physical reality. It is again man’s ego trying to grasp the idea, and not being able to surrender to its meaning. Let me demonstrate. The one common thread that I have found weaving through man’s many belief systems is; God is Unconditional Love. I have yet to have anyone tell me, that this is not so. It seems to be accepted by all belief systems that are centered around a creator. Unconditional love means unconditional freedom. Love and freedom are two of those words that are interchangeable. Freedom of choice is unconditional love, unconditional freedom. Choice is another of those words that are interchangeable with Love and freedom.Now it must be made clear in this example, that "unconditional," means, that there are no "conditions," to Love. That "unconditional" means no "conditions apply"
Love and freedom are the same, if there is a condition to freedom then it is not unconditional. Freedom is given from unconditional love. Freedom of choice is the same thing as unconditional love; they are all the same thing.
A New Definition of Love: Real Love
There’s only one kind of love that can fill us up, make us whole, and give us the happiness we all want: unconditional love or true love. It is unconditional love that we all seek, and somehow we intuitively realize that anything other than that kind of love isn’t really love at all—it’s an imitation of the real thing.
Unconditional love—true love—is so different from the kind of love most of us have known all our lives that it deserves both a name—Real Love—and definition of its own: Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It is not Real Love when other people like us for doing what they want. Under those conditions aren’t we just paying for love again? We can be certain that we’re receiving Real Love only when we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to do what other people want, and even when we get in their way, but they don’t feel disappointed or irritated at us. That is Real Love (true unconditional love), and that love alone has the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships quite beyond our present capacity to imagine.
What we Do Without Real Love: Imitation Love
If we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the resulting emptiness is unbearable. We then compulsively try to fill our emptiness with whatever feels good in the moment—money, anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, power, and the conditional approval of others. Anything we use as a substitute for Real Love becomes a form of Imitation Love, and although Imitation Love feels good for a moment, it never lasts and never gives us the feeling of genuine happiness that Real Love provides.
Most people spend their entire lives trying to fill their emptiness with Imitation Love, but all they achieve is an ever-deepening frustration, punctuated by brief moments of superficial satisfaction. All the unhappiness in our lives is due to that lack of Real Love and to the frustration we experience as we desperately and hopelessly try to create happiness from a flawed foundation of Imitation Love. The beauty of Real Love is that it ALWAYS will eliminate our anger, confusion, and pain. So how do we find this universal cure?
In order to know that there is such a kind of love, we had to have read it somewhere, seen it in a movie or somewhere, sometime, someone showed us a glimpse of it. Right? Wrong. We were born knowing unconditional love. It is a gift, a birthright given to us from the very beginning. It’s the conditioning once our souls take on the human form that limits our belief in unconditional love. It’s erased and replaced by conditioned thoughts of the world. We learn our actions cause reactions. We learn that we are either good or bad. We learn What is acceptable and what is not. That becomes our point of reference, removing us far away from what we were born with. After time and experiences it almost seems hopeless to return. It is true that seeing glimpses of it in movies and books confirms in our hearts that it does exist. We are told that it is only fantasy. That it is the fantasy we are craving. Not true. Our spirit is craving what we knew from the beginning. We need to take the time to find out what “unconditional love” is for ourselves instead of Depending on someone to do it for us. If we aren’t clear on what it is how will our needs and desires get met? We expect someone to give us something but we aren’t clear as to what that “something” is. Following that path, we will always be disappointed. We will always place people in position to let us down; all the while they have no idea what we are expecting from them. If we are unable to express our need in a clear manner there will be no one that will understand. If it is not clear to us it certainly will not be clear to them. Finding your true unconditional love means finding the true you. When was the last time you really focused on finding out who you really are? So in reading this, the answer sounds easy but how do you begin? Where do you start to begin this path of finding unconditional love? You must work through painful experiences that create anger or bitterness in you. Why did it happen? What was the lesson to be learned in it? Be grateful for the people that were put in your path to help you with that lesson, rather than resenting them for hurting you. It is absolutely impossible to unconditionally love yourself if you harbor bitterness, anger, guilt or any other feelings that are not love. When looking through your “looking glass” you see things as you have been conditioned to see them. That woman smashed into the back of your new car because you feel you don’t deserve to have a new car. The kids are disobeying you because they don’t care about you. Your partner is angry because you blame them for things and it’s not their fault. It’s all bad luck; if it weren’t for bad luck you’d have no luck. Hear that before? It’s how you look at the lessons that will make your journey easy or difficult. Clean off your “looking glass” and let’s get started. 1) Focus on who you are. Write down all the qualities you know about yourself. For example; (You love helping people, You love working with children, You are creative and so on.) Write them down so you can actually see the wonderful qualities about yourself that you know are there. 2) Practice speaking out loud all of the things you deserve. You deserve that new car, you deserve people to respect you, and you deserve unconditional love. This is called affirmation. When your subconscious hears the words it starts to believe them. But you must do the work because no one will do it for you. You are in charge. 3) Find a way to return to times and places that bring up resentful, fearful feelings where your needs were not getting met. If you don’t feel like you can do it alone, find a “coach” or therapist, or a friend that will help you feel safe and loved during the times of recalling these events. Talk about them. Get honest, healthy, and safe feed back. Your ultimate idea of a bounce back partner is your life partner who is in your life to help you grow and heal these areas. The idea here is to recall them, feel them (pain and all), and then release them, let go to open up another room for unconditional love.
4) Recalling the event or person will give you a starting point. Recall the people involved, recall how you felt, and what should have happened instead to meet your needs. How would you handle it today, knowing that you deserve to get your needs met, knowing that you deserve unconditional love, and knowing that in order to receive unconditional love you need to give it. 5) Feel the pain that the event and people caused you. Go deep inside, feel the anger, feel the hurt, feel the rejection, feel the disapproval, feel how alone you were at that moment in your life.
6) Cry.Cry. Cry. And when you are through crying all of the tears you have over it, think for a moment how that situation would be handled today, knowing that you deserve to get your needs met, knowing you deserve unconditional love, and knowing in order to receive unconditional love you need to give it. 7) And finally, release the past, release the pain, and forgive. Forgive means to stop being angry about or resentful against, to relieve from payment of. To relieve from payment of the past is the step that will bring you to unconditional love. The world owes you nothing. You were born deserving it, so was everyone else. We are here on our journey’s to help each other heal. Learning how to love yourself unconditionally., creating your dream love by being clear on what you are looking for and be sure that you are able to provide that for yourself before expecting someone to provide it for you, that’s where you will find unconditional love.
