Memories, a lost key and the closed door

You’ll end up liking everything about the ‘one’.

Things that you never liked before, songs that you’d never hear otherwise, places that you’d never travelled before, words and ways you’d never spoken, clothes you’d never wanted to wear, food that you never thought you’ll ever eat...

Everything...

Everything about you will be about the ‘one’... till you lose yourself from top to bottom, never to be found again. Never wanting to be rescued from here. This is it. This is where you want to be. This is where you want to live. This is where you want to die. This.

Everything about you will slowly evaporate... your likings, your choices, your friends, your family, your routine... you will live for the ‘one’... and thank God, day and night, for this.

Your dialled call list will start and end with the ‘one’ and every call in between too.

Almost every message in your outbox will shriek the name of the ‘one’

You’ll feel lost without a reason when the ‘one’ is far away, you’ll cry and think life is hell, for no rhyme or song. And then unexpectedly, when you hear or see the ‘one’, you’ll be the happiest and have the biggest smile on your face, no matter how fucked your day has been!

You won’t judge yourself insane even when you’ll find yourself swinging around a tree, thinking about the ‘one’ before you eat your morsels, floating on the clouds and walking on water, lying down on your bed and feeling the ‘one’ holding you and caressing you, imagining the ‘one’ singing all the ‘songs’ for you and dedicating every verse and word to your existence.

When you’ll see two people together, holding hands, you’ll seal your eyes, say a prayer, bless them and then smile tenderly to yourself.

Flowers, breeze, sunlight, angels, hearts, pink, yellow, bright, butterflies, rainbows, fire-place, chocolates, smiles, happiness and lot of other things of these genre will define your reality.

You’ll find a song for you and the ‘one’... the wall-paper of your phone, lap-top and pc and everything possible thing will show the ‘two’ of you together... Your key-chain will have a lucky charm that reminds you of the ‘two’ of you...

You’ll take the journey, even if this is not where you thought you’ll go... you’ll walk miles and miles, under the rain and the sun... the smile will never leave your face.

At times, you’ll question yourself, why am I here? Where am I heading? Is this where I want to go?

And then, you’ll turn around and look at the path you’ve already walked on and you’ll see how far you’ve reached... and then you will smile, close your eyes and think about the ‘one’ and start to walk ahead.

Every bruise will make you smile, every thorn and every stone.

You’ll walk, and keeping walking.

And one day, abruptly, while walking down the street, you’ll find that the key is missing.

Memories, a lost key and the closed door is what you are left with.

Quickly, you’ll turn around and look for the ‘one’...

You’ll find a jaded piece of paper, no date on it though...

And on it, scribbled emotions saying, “The love got over...”

You’ll look for foot-prints... you’ll search for a sign... you’ll want to hear a reason...


Nothing.


You’ll scream, you’ll run, you’ll fall, and you will die.

The impressions of the key are fresh in your palms. Where did it go? When did it fall?

‘But true love never dies...’, you’d heard it somewhere.

Your friends will try their best; your family will be clueless about your struggles.

Blood, dark-circles, a hair-cut, lonely drives, sudden cravings, tears, entangled fingers, darkness, endless blank days, staring the clock and watching every second pass by, vodka, night out with friends, random sex with strangers would be the new you.

You’ll love the soreness. You’ll get pleasure from the tenderness. Especially the part when the skin trembles, as the knife touches the surface and slowly goes deep, deeper within you...

It’s a trip.

Drugs, of any kind, be it sleeping pills or LSD, will occupy your body, more than food.

You will laugh instead of smiling. Whine instead of crying. And you will love it.

People will scare you. Faith, trust, hope and love are abuses, you will say, loud and clear and will make sure that everyone hears it.

Cupid will be killed. And blood will be all over you.

Enjoy the bliss!

After the storm

*AFTER THE STORM*

3 weeks later and life still chose to walk on the broken road. Yes, the pain of the heart easily qualifies as worst that has ever been known to man-kind. Or so I thought.

Trying hard to get over him with the help of many anti-depressants, chocolates in every possible form, shape, size and colour, litres of vodka and gin, shopping, extra weight, songs and caffeine… I was still sick!

Yes, I tried to work… and I did work too! Surprisingly, sometimes it was great work and most of the times work ended up being washed away with tears. ‘Live with it now’ my mind whispered.

My wet eyelashes drew patterns on the lenses of my spectacles, using them as canvas. ‘Art in vain’ I told myself and tried hard to laugh. More patterns!

Hugging myself at nights… maybe one of them will feel like his… maybe one of them. But nothing will help! Nothing at all…!

And then, when one least expects it… comes the turns…

I saw him.

After a hard day of work, covering up my moist eyes in black shades I was on my way back home with a few colleagues. Feeling secured behind those breakable glasses, I got into the car.
‘California Dreamin’ on such a winter’s daaaaaaaay’… The radio was playing the character of Oracle. Gospel Truth, none the less!

Everyone had a week-end plan. I did too. Kill everyone who seemed to be in love!

Sigh. Only if it cured.

I tried to sink into the seat and craved for it to absorb me… deep within it.

My colleague suggested, ‘Yoo Hoo, anyone from some hottie…?’ She meant coffee.
‘I’m game…’ I whined.

The signal before the café and I was peeping out, observing the ‘others’ and trying to find someone from my side of the horizon. And then… right then… he drove away in his car.

Not behind black shades… there he was… going away again!

I didn’t know what breathing was right then and the only muscle that made its existence felt was my heart.

My neck sub-consciously made my head turn to keep him occupied in my sight as long as I could. If only it would turn 360 degrees…!

‘Someone you know…?’ my colleague inquired.

The glares were professionally hiding my emotions behind them as I allowed him to move away from my vision.

‘Just a sprain in my neck…’ I mumbled and made sure that I did not choke.

I craved to yell... But only if he could hear me...

The cracks in the dam were increasing and I needed to be alone.

‘Could you pull over…? I need to meet a friend…’

I took a taxi and allowed it to disappear in the city of blinding light as my tears were back to where they belonged.

This is how it ends... The stories have all been told...

This is how it ends... The stories have all been told...

“Leave me and walk away… No don’t walk, run away… Far, far away and never come back. But listen, while leaving, will you turn around and look at me once? No… Don’t… I don’t want to see that look in your eyes, I can’t. I won’t. I can’t.”
Silence.
The late winter breeze made the chimes cling. And I heaved a sigh.
A sigh of soreness… A sight of loss…
“I wish I could transfer my hatred for myself to you…” he said.
More tears… and he started to walk away, probably never to return back to me.
My eyes stayed on him. A part of me that wanted him to turn back and look at me and part of me that wanted him never to look back again.
I was broken into parts. Two, or maybe more.
“This is it. Go and stop him, will you?” My mind was unable to fathom the source. Where was this coming from? The part that wanted him back or…?
My lips went through the abuses that my teeth made on them. My nails deep in my flesh, warm and wet with blood. And then he turned.
My welled up eyes created a blurry image of him. I closed my lids and opened them again to look clearly, the tears now mapping my cheeks and making their way towards the end of their journey. The crying turned into a piercing silence.
He started to walk toward me. My heart went on frenzy.
And then he stopped.
Did he stop mid-way? Did he stop closer to where he was? Or was it closer to me?
My eyes traced the steps he’d taken.
The knowing touch of his hand and I stopped breathing. I could hear him breathe. He came closer and my nails went deeper. My tears reached his shoulder and I found myself hugging him.
Yes, A part of me, wanted time to freeze there, right there. My eyes chose to stay shut and my hands gripped him tighter.
‘He has to leave, let him go, this is it… It won’t go beyond this, Good-bye is all we have…’ my mind started the monologue. And I craved to yell again.

Craved.
His grip eased on me. Time to say good-bye.

How to survive THE HEART-ACHE...

Survival ‘guide’ and How to Fight ‘the’ Heartache… (We all need it…)

So when you know that things have gone beyond understanding and you can’t TAKE IT ANYMORE… When the heart ache is barely bearable and nothing… Just NOTHING makes sense at all… All that you need to do are these things…
- Take a cold shower directly on your face (eyes closed obviously) and listen to the storm building within you.
- Take your i-pod and go for a run, and keep running till you hear your hamstrings begging you to stop. Physical pain reduces the heartache (for a while atleast)
- Have an entire can of whipped cream and relish and be loud about how you feel… Go ‘ummmmmmmmm’
- Take a walk by the beach and let your eyes look at the sky as you walk… No, you won’t fall…
- Listen to Simon and Garfunkle… Heals! Heals! Heals!
- Don’t curse the loser… Bless him/her and smile… (*sigh* I know it’s difficult… but one can TRY)
- Go to the grocery store, shop like there is no tomorrow and don’t forget to admire every little thing that you buy
- Don’t even bother listening to sad, lovey-dovey songs. That goes for movies as well as books. Don’t go close to anything that will remind you of ‘worldly love’
- TALK to your closest friends and cry, if need be.
- Do you how many steps do you have to take from your home to your favourite den…? …NO!
- So get out and get going and find out… you need to know a lot about ‘your favourite things’
- Buy flowers for yourself from those lonely street children and then take them for a walk and buy them ice-cream and try and get to know innocence… J (You can do this even without having a heart break…! ;)
- Play ‘Blue Suede Shoes’ and dance like there is no tomorrow. (You might end up crying while doing it, but DON’T STOP)
- Catch up on all the gossip that you have been missing and think how to spread it further
- Develop a HUGE CRUSH on a celebrity and feel good about it…! Fuck yeah!
- Text message all the people who mean the most to you and let them know that they do… (You’ll end up feeling more loved than ever)
- Cook a homely meal and call you BFF’s home for a VIP lunch/dinner
- Go to a bar and try all that you haven’t Psst Psst only stuff that is on the menu :P… (Note – please take a friend along you who can trust to drop you home safely)
- Ask your boss to give you more work… And work like a BITCH… Do it all…! And treat yourself to Mocha truffle after a hard day of work
- Buy some body butter and (cherry blossom one’s by BODYSHOP) make yourself feel goooooooood…!
- Watch ‘The Sound Of Music’ and sing along LOUD…! (Very Helpful)
- Lie on your couch and let your head touch the floor and breathe…
- Adopt a pet… and shower all your love… They deserve it more… Trust me!
- Read Paulo Coelho’s Manual of the Warrior of Light (Don’t ask… READ!)
- Paint a tee saying ‘Romeo and Juliet suck!’
- Have the image of a dead cupid as your wallpaper. (It’s available on google.com)
- Listen to music, so loud, that all you hear is silence
- Have 5 Jolly Rancher lollipops a day and suck it loud and slurrrp it up!!! And don’t feel guilty about it!
- Hug your mom and cry your heart out and tell her, “Please don’t ask a thing… Just be there… Please…’
- Light up your room with aroma candles and then ask your friends to come over for PJ’s
- Throw a surprise kitty for your mom and her closest friends and watch her being happy.
- Think of the loser… every time you go for a leak and say his/her name loud and say, “This is exactly what you deserve” and laugh like a witch…!